So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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