My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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