Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
