we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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