lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize