A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
