best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
