this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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