i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
