I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My cat gives me a boner
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
