He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
