watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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