I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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