On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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