And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize