I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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