i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
