It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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