i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
