I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this will be a night to untag.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
