Umm I'm too high to move.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
