i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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