oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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