went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm both gender and math confused
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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