I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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