do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
