god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
