please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
