Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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