is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
