I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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