More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
