If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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