I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
