I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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