I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
