batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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