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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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