My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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