it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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