Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Houston, we have a squirter
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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