my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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