i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
