I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
