listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
