So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
