my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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