he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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