I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
