I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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