so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
how do you play pong handcuffed?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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