Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
