My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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