come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
