Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
