Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
