Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
