And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
