I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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