Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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